What in the world is going on?

  Don't worry.  I won't post everyday.  Just had some thoughts come to me and I wanted to share.  So recently I have taken some time off of work, so I have more time on my hands.  Matthew is facing some big changes and having trouble so being available was more important then money.  Not to say that I am just walking in fields of flowers and laughing and drinking coffee all day.  I am actually a complete mess.  I always doubt myself,  so of course I get nervous with any change.  It has defiantly given me time to spend in my Bible, but I am no way a great stay at home wife or mom.  Just go see the pile of laundry I keep avoiding.  This week I lost my one and only car key for over 4 hours.  I am so thankful for friends who will pick my kids up last minute!

So in my time alone, I have no one to talk to but animals so I pray more and think a lot more.  Last night was a rarity.  We had no where to go.  No major TV shows to watch.  It was odd.  Patrick made a commit on how I got on my phone during commercial breaks, both kids where on electronics and it started to sink in.  We used to play games every night.  Now we watch TV and play on computers or phones more then anything else.

In watching TV and looking on social media can be overwhelming.  I am even having a hard time putting all my thoughts out there. Our world is in a sad place.  Not just morally,which is what so many of faith want to focus on.  I am one of them and trust me, it is in bad shape, but I mean what is really ruling our lives.  I have been listening to Lecrae a lot this week.  He has been very vocal bout all the police violence and racism that has been so viable lately.  He has a song on his latest album called "Welcome to America. "   It  has opened my eyes to so much.  I am not going to get into all that has been going on, just going to say this.  Check the facts before you speak,  don't re post images unless you know they are real.  You will be amazed how great you can make things look with technology.  For those of us Christians, please be careful what you say.  At some point we have become more like the pharisees and a lot less like Jesus.  Some times loving those we don't understand makes the biggest difference. Lastly  stop just complaining about everything and lets try to change this place.  Take family time, not tech time.  Show love and not hatred.  Plus, don't say you will pray for some one then just go on with your day.  Do something and be part of the change. Not part of the judgement.

Ok, let's see if this post actually gets posted.  Of all my faults, being easily distracted is one of my worst.  It is not only in my brain but in all that I do.  I have great intentions of course but there are way to many shiny things,  sick kids, animals and you name it and I am off to another task and thought.  So with that being said forgive me if I jump around in my post.

For the first time in a long time I am seeing some peace.  Mainly in my own life.  If you know me, you know my life is a mess.  I am a control freak.  So peace of mind in my current life is nothing short of a miracle.  Our son Matthew still proves to be a medical mystery.  We have traveled every where trying to get answers.  We have them but reality is it is all a waiting game.  A third surgery looks unavoidable.  We have found out he is Fructose Intolerance.  So no fruit, fructose, high fructose corn syrup, onion powder, and the list goes on and on.  So how do you keep a kid from loosing weight by taking food away?  I have no clue.  None and it shows.  This is just with Matthew.  Poor Cheredith gets my left over time alot but you wouldn't know by her reactions.  When we found out Matthews last surgery had failed and would be traveling to Cleveland, OH, it happened very fast.  She had been so excited to see her favorite band live, finally.  Thousand Foot Krutch, was going to be in town the day we had to leave to make it to his appointment.  When I talked to her about it, she responded, "I just want Matthew better".  Amazing.  What 13 year old says that?

To sum this all up.  I am blessed in my terrible mess.  My kids are great.  They love each other and who could ask for more.  Patrick is still married to me,  he hasn't started looking for a new wife yet.  And my faith in God is better then ever.  I don't have all the answers,  I never will.  I have no idea if I am handling this whole sickness mess right.  I pray, listen for peace and do my best to love others and my family the way the deserve.  So for a control freak to set back and enjoy the ride is a miracle.  This is not to say that some days I will be sad or discouraged, but in the end I have faith.

I am not sure how many times I have sat down to add to my blog.   I have so much to say but it seems like when it comes down to it I guess I'm tired of sharing.   The events of the last few years have been eye opening, live changing and faith building.   I have felt more emotions and found more faith.  I have learned life OFTEN puts more on you then you can handle.  Thats why God is there to help us through.  Just this week my wonderful smart phone presented me with my morning bible verse.  I think I have needed the verse for years but I don't think I would have understood it so well until now.  "THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU, AND YOU HAVE ONLY TO BE SILENT" EXODUS 14:14.  I know since Matthews first surgery and my brother's death I have definitely been silent.  I had nothing to say and frankly it was hard to see anything but my world falling apart.  I was a working mom of a sick kid and went from being a sister to being an only child.  The amount of hurt I felt was undiscribable.  So to all my family and friends who feel I have fallen of the face of the earth, I am sorry.  I am just being silent and letting my Lord fight for me.

I look forward to my battles I face.  Thanks to my brother I will not wait for the victory to enjoy my fellow warriors.   I count it a blessing to fight this life with so many wonderful people who push through with me.  For now I can see light for my son, altough his stomach will always have issues and his autism will win some battles I wouldn't change him for anything. Instead of getting angry when I hear "He doesn't seem sick."  Or "I dont see autism in him" I will be happy for the victory we have that we are progressing well.  I will no longer wait for things to settle down before letting my daughter go after her dreams of dance again.  I will charish every minute with my husband who has let me hurt and loved me unconditionaly.  I will hold tight to my mom.   She has walked a journey many would have given up, but she fights all the way. Plans dont wait on life to calm down.  People arent always going to be around to finsh the plans we started.   So enjoy everyday, it is truly a gift, a special blessing.