Lessons Learned

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything.  Between Cheredith's cheering, Matthew's recovery and well, life,  I have been so busy.  Today we enjoyed a day as a family just hanging out together.  We drove up to a store on the moutain to look for one of Patrick's favorite treats, Dr. Browns soda.  Up until lately the only place available to get in was in New York or on Amazon.  So a friend told us that a place on Lookout Moutain sales it so we had to check it out.  After a breakfast at Mcdonald's we took off up the moutain enjoying the beautiful fall colors.  We were successful in our trip and found the Dr. Browns.  After some playtime at the park we headed home.  We have done some house work and just relaxed. 

Life keeps coming at you no matter how hard it hurts you have to keep fighting.  For the most part Matthew has done well after his surgery.  However last Thursday that changed.  He started having some severe pain and other complications.  After calling for days to talk to his surgeon I finally talked to him this week. (it is great having one of the best surgeons but that also means he is VERY busy)  I wish I could say he put all my fears to rest but he didn't, he just said he hopes it resolves before our appointment this Wednesday, and if not then he will set up a plan.  Not what I hoped for.  We head to Atlanta this week so it's just  a waiting game till then.

I have never seen my family so effected by things that have happened so far away, but this past week changed that.  We all sat in shock as Hurricane Sandy hit the Northeast this week.  As I watched the aftermath I couldn't help but think of all the people we met on our trip this past summer.  The families that were so nice to us and the workers in the stores who were so happy when we visited there.  I kept seeing how horrible the destruction was and it broke my heart.  Since we have come home from our trip it is a running joke with many about we all want to move there.  I have to say that this week just made that joke a little more serious to me.  My heart breaks for those effected by the storm and I can't wait to get back up there and see how they have stayed strong and rebuilt.  Who knows maybe one day  it will be my home.  If Cheredith really wants to go to NYU then we will have to move there so we can afford her tuition. 

So in conclusion, life isn't fair, we have been through so much in the past few weeks it almost seems unbelievable. I will spare you all the crazy details, but I have learned that God is there with me no matter were I go.  Everyday this week I was faced with an extreme challenge and everyday a friend would send me a bible verse to memorize that I truly needed to hear without her knowing what was going on. So no matter if Matthew gets a bad report, no matter what people say or were I end up (NYC ) I know God is already paving my way.

Day 2,

Again thanks everyone for all your support.  We are hanging in there and Matthew is a fighter.  All day yesterday Matthew would wake up and ask if it was Tuesday yet.  Even though it was at 4am we were happy to finally tell him it was Tuesday.  We all decided yesterday was one of the longest days ever.  I don't think Patrick and I slept very much.  Hospital sleeping defiantly has the patient in mind not the visitors, but we made it through.  After liquids for breakfast they let him have solid food for lunch.

Matthew is in a lot of pain anytime he gets out of bed.  Patrick left a little after noon to come home for Cheredith's football game. That was hard on us all.  I can't believe how he must feel.  He is an amazing dad and husband and my best friend.  I am still amazed at all the text and calls we continue to receive.  Also Matthew had a nice surprise waiting on him when he woke up from a mid day nap.  A friend from work and her mom had sent him a balloon bouquet.  He loved it.

His pain has been pretty intense today but it is getting shorter in length and he is up walking. He is mainly soar at the incision site and the stomach area is soar.  He didn't eat much for lunch but did eat good for super.  We have amazing nurses and I couldn't be happy with how they have treated us.

The doctor should come by in the morning and I have a lot of good news for him.  With Matthew eating good, walking and being able to go "potty" I am hoping we will go home soon.  That would be great.  I am so pleased with how good he is doing.

Hospital Update Day 1

First of all I want to thank everyone for thier thoughts, prayers,phone calls and text messages today.  It has been so humbling to see so many people have cared enough to check on us.  We are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives. 

Our day started early at 4:30 in the morning.  We had to check in at 7 in Atlanta.  Matthew slept the entire trip.  He woke up as I carried him into the hospital.  They were so good to him in the surgery area.  After meeting almost everyone that would have anything to do with his surgery they took him back to get him ready around 10am.  Since they said the surgery would take around 3 hours we decided to eat, however the food court closed at 10 and didn't open until 11.  So Patrick and I sat and waited on them to reopen for lunch.  I'm not sure if I was hungry or wanted to get back up to the waiting room but as soon as the doors opened I was in.  The food was really good, and I stuffed mine down and hurried back up to the waiting room.  As soon as I got up there they informed me that I had missed a call from the O.R. of course my heart stopped and wanted to know what was going on.  They called me right and they just wanted to let me know that they had started the surgery.  There were a few other heart stopping phone calls but it was all just to tell me he was doing fine.  I guess I wasn't use to having such a long wait for them to be finished. 

Once the doctor finished he came to meet with us and explain what all they did.  They had to remove about 6-8inches of his sigmoid Colon.  He explained that it doesn't sound like much but that Matthew is a small boy and that was a large amount to take out.  He feels like this will fix Matthew's problems.  Matthew will have to get use to his stomach acting different, but over time it will react more like normal.  He should be getting back to normal in a few weeks but it will take about 6 months for a full recovery.  After all these years it will be worth it.

Matthew is having a rough time in his room. He is in pain in his stomach.  He has 3 cuts where they went in. He had some major work inside his stomach today so I am just glad he is awake some and talking.  He has slept most of the day.  The nurses are wonderful and he has only thrown up once and is drinking pretty good.  Hopefully tomorrow evening he can have some solid food.

I will continue to keep you all updated as he progresses.  We all agree that this has been one of the longest days ever. 

I don't know where to even begin, this past week has been CRAZY!!!!!  I guess that was a good summery of how I have felt.  This time tomorrow Patrick and I will be in Atlanta getting Matthew ready for surgery.  I can't believe it is finally here.  I am relieved and nervous, but so happy to have finally found hope for Matthew.  I still have packing to do.  I can handle vacation packing but I am lost when it comes to hospital packing.  Who knows what all will make it to Emory with me.

I have been so proud of Cheredith this week.  I can't imagine how she is feeling.  She is an amazing child and is such a great big sister.  I know that she will be be fine but I know its hard on her.  We are always together and her and I have never been apart for this long.  Patrick will be back with her Tuesday and she is staying with great friends.  I know she will be happy to have Matthew better. 

Now an update on our crazy week.  Matthew went to the dentist and did great.  He had tooth filled and one pulled.  This was his first time he had numbing medicine in his cheek.  He didn't bite his inside of his cheek, but he rubbed the outside of his cheek raw.  That's Matthew for you, keeping it interesting.

Cheredith cheered to games Thursday.  All I can  say is that it exhausted me and I was sitting on the stands.  She did great and she is really loving cheer.  CVMS has some great Cheerleaders.

Thanks to some great people Matthew had an amazing Friday night.  A friend at work made Ridgelands football coach aware of Matthew's surgery.  Coach Mariakis had the football team sign a shirt for Matthew.  After one of the football players delivered the signed shirt I thought it couldn't get better.  I was so excited, but thanks to Coach Mariakis it got much better.  He offered to let Matthew come into the locker room with the team Friday night.  I couldn't wait to tell Matthew.  I was so proud as we waited by the locker room Friday night.  As the players came off the field they stopped and talked to Matthew.  One even raised his helmet and took Matthews hand and lead him to the locker room.  Patrick went in with them and filled me in.  Matthew was treated like a star and it was great.  He had an amazing night.

Saturday we headed to Matthew's last football game for this year.  He must have been paying good attention at the football game Friday night.  He played an incredibly.  He had three touch downs and some amazing tackles.  He sure showed how much fun he had. He posed after tackles and even "Tebowed" after one touchdown.  It was great seeing him enjoy himself.

We headed to Chattanooga to enjoy a day downtown with an event at Patrick's work.  We went to the aquarium, imax and Riverboat.  It was so much fun and I am so glad to my mom came.  The kids had so much fun.  It was a great way to pass the day.

Now here we are the last day home before surgery.  I am about to start getting ready for church and then finish up on last minute things.  I want to thank all the people who have prayed and have listened to God and been a blessing to us this week.  Thank you all.  I know that all is going to ok.  It is a trying time for us even without Matthew"s condition but I have been encouraged by God's people lifting us up. 

We have to be at Emory at 7 Monday morning.  I'm not sure how long the surgery will be but I will keep everyone posted.  Thank you all . 

COUNTDOWN TO ATLANATA

We have hit the one week countdown to our long awaited surgery.  We have seen Matthew go through so much theses last three years we are so glad that this part of the journey is coming to an end.  After the surgery then we can focus on what caused the problem in the first place and help to find out what causes his stomach pain.  He is a strong kid.  He has always impressed me.

At this point all we know is that Matthew will have his sigmoid colon removed next Monday at Emory.  We had seen a surgeon in Chattanooga a few years back and the had never  preformed this surgery on a child so we knew it wasn't common, but I never expected what the surgeon said to us about it's rarity.  He said that at his office, which sees patients from all over the southeast, that he will preform 1 every 3 years.  This fact was confirmed when I spoke with the scheduling office last week.  I was informed that no one in the office is familiar with the process and that they will have to speak to the surgeon about how to prep Matthew for the surgery.  There is a chance that we will be checking into Emory on Sunday and the surgery will be on Monday.  I could care less about if the office staff knows about the procedures, I just want the surgeon to, and he does so that's enough for me. 

Now comes the difficult part.  I was terrified to see them take Cheredith away to put tubes in her ears, I can't imagine how its going to be watching them roll away Matthew to do an uncommon pediatric surgery.  Then comes recovery.  Matthew has a very difficult time waking from anesthesia, so I hope that he wakes up easy this time.  Also Matthew has never spent the night in the hospital and we will be there for around 4 days.  We manage Matthew's autism by preparing for change and by keeping a routine, two things that will be difficult in the next few weeks.  He is a fighter and I know he will do great.

Now to brag on my family.  First of all Cheredith..  She has taken a back seat to so many of these things but never complains.  Her main concern has always been for Matthew. She always ask for prayer for him and always takes good care of him.  This week at school she had a bad asthma attack and she really scared me.  I am so thankful that Patrick will be coming home to stay with her once Matthew gets settled in the hospital after his surgery.  We both want to be in both places at the same time but can't and I am so thankful he will be staying with her during this difficult time.  He is an amazing husband and dad. Cheredith will be staying with some good friends of ours will we are both down with Matthew.  I am so thankful for them. 

I am usually a planner and like everything laid out in front of me, however this will not be the case in the next few weeks.  Any one who knows out situation knows all we are going through not related to Matthew's surgery.  We are a strong family with a strong faith and we know that God will see us through this all.  Keeps us all in your thoughts and prayers and keep Matthew's surgeon in your prayers as well.  I am so ready to get these next few weeks behind us, for Matthew to have one less thing to fight through.

Back to School

Well, summer break is officially over.  Book bags are packed, lunches packed and clothes laid out.  Cheredith starts middle school so as you can imagine she is ready.  She loves school so tomorrow can't get here fast enough for her.  Matthew on the other hand routinely yells out "I hate school" when ever the topic is brought up.  Just a few hours ago he tells me that he is finally getting excited about going.  That is a huge turn from him refusing to get out of the car Thursday at school so I could run in paper work to the office. 

So much has changed since the beginning of last year.  Cheredith doesn't look at all like she did last schoolyear.  She is no longer dancing but will be cheering for Chattanooga Valley Middle School.  So proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone.  I have seen her dance and even had the opportunity to teach her in dance but she has even surprised me.  She made All-American at camp as a 6th grader.  I can't wait to hear all about her first day of middle school.

Matthew had never played sports this time last year.  Since then he has played basketball, soccer and now football.  Sports are is life.  He loves sports so much, and of course as his mom I must say he is great.  I really enjoyed watching this past Saturday watching Matthew score a touch down. I am a very proud momma! 

This summer has been amazing.  To be able to spend days with my kids, our trip to New York, and lazy summer days it was amazing.  Even though our trips to Atlanta have been not for joy, but for doctors they have been great.  I enjoy ever minute we have had. 

As I send the kids to school in the morning and go to work myself, I am excited to see what this new school year will bring.  So much is going to change, that is part of life.  I am sure there will be lots of joy, tears and laughter.  All the things that go into growing up.  This year may be starting of a little strange with Matthew missing the second day of school for a trip to Emory to see a Neurologist and then to see the surgeon about his stomach surgery, but getting better isn't always easy.  I am thankful that we have finally found some doctors who understand and are wanting to help.  I know how blessed my life is even in the middle of mass craziness.  I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend, two amazing kids, family that listen to me and friends and a church that inspire me.  As much as I dread the routine and early hours I can't wait to see what all is to come. 

ONE CRAZY SUMMER!!!!

As I set here my days of not working and kids not going to school are quickly coming to an end.  When school let out I could not have imagined how this summer would end.  However, given how nothing goes without a catch around here I should have been more prepared.  We have went to Washington D.C., Baltimore, Maryland and New York City.  Most would agree that's a lot of travel for a few months, not my family. Ad one trip to Atlanta and at least 2 more scheduled in the next 2 weeks. Wow its been one crazy summer.

Don't get me wrong.  It has been my favorite summer by far.  I have grown alot.  Hard to believe that at 31, 2 kids and being married for almost 13 years that I still need to grow up some.  I guess with all the quality time I spent in the car I had a lot of time to think.  Seeing the kids in New York City was amazing and made me realize how amazing life is.  Any one who knows my kids now the struggles we face daily with them.  For some reason Cheredith could breath so easy while there.  No inhaler, no wheezing or tight chest.  She was able to enjoy every bit of the city and can't wait to go back.  Just the other day she told me how much she missed New York.  With Matthew being autistic I wasn't sure how the city would effect him.  He was at home there.  He seemed so at peace.  It kept his senses going and I loved every minute of it.  I wouldn't say he didn't act autistic there just that his autism blended well with the City.  It was great.  Seeing my kids like that was worth every bit of the trip.

Not long after returning we started focusing on Matthews upcoming trip to Atlanta to a Neurologist at Emory.  Since we are already going there I thought it would be great for him to be able to see a GI doctor there as well on the same day. That didn't work as planned but we could see the GI doctor sooner so we took it.  On August 10th we took off to Atlanta at 5:30 in the morning.  The experience was great.  The doctor there was amazing and seemed to share our concern for Matthew.  He ordered many test, one which requires us to go back to Atlanta tomorrow. Of course we couldn't go to Atlant without eating at the Varisty.  I sometimes question if I am going overboard with all these doctors but after Matthew waking up this morning with his stomach issues rearing its ugly head I know I am not.  I just want answers and for him to not deal with this anymore then he has to.  He is a true inspiration.  He never lets any of his issues slow him down.  It amazes me. 

Now back to how this summer helped me grow up.  I feel like I was so wrapped up with work, doctors, and life that even though I thought I was fully relieving on God but I wasn't.  I was not close to God at all.  I was doing all I could to fix my life and my families life. I was exhausted.  Seeing my kids in NYC made me realize that.  Between reading my bible, doing a bible study, our incredible Sunday school class and reading the book "blue like Jazz" I started to examine my relationship with God on a whole new level.  I scraped away all that I felt I should do or all I felt I knew about God and started seeking Him on a new level.  I realized that God isn't at all who I thought He was.  He is so complex and yet so simple at the same time.  I think I finally realize why people would give everything up just to tell others about Him.  Why so many people have died rather then deny Him.  I have no clue what is going to happen with all of us.  I am currently waiting on Matthew's doctor to call me back, and depending on the findings in Matthews test tomorrow he may have to go to Atlanta for therapy.  I could set back and worry, but what will that do.  It may be hard and it may be hectic but I fully believe God will provide all we need.  I can't wait to be able to share with others how God will see us through this crazy time in our life. 

Keeping My Mouth Shut

Before I start this blog I should say it has been in the work for some time now.  I usually just share family things or fun to read subjects, however some things have been weighing on my heart a lot here lately.  I have always believed in God, thought I had faith and went to church.  As with most things in our life we grow and learn more the older we get.  I feel that way about my faith.  I have never hidden my faith in Jesus.  There are times I am sure that God probably wishes I wasn't so vocal about it.  I haven't always lived up to what I feel shows how a true follower of Christ should be.  Living in the so called "bible belt"  I think we see that alot.  Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone, just speaking from my own experiences and beliefs, hoping to open eyes about my faith. 

Lately there has been alot on the media, mainly facebook about Christian values and standards and everyone boycotting or standing by Chick-fil-a because of there values.  While I am fairly nonconfortational and hate getting in the middle of debates, mainly religion (one of my biggest fears is to give others the wrong impression of who Christ is) I feel I need to speak up.  I am a huge believer in Christ and believe the Bible to be true.  My dad once told me if someone says something about God and can't show you where they got in from in the Bible then don't listen.  With that being said I will never treat someone different for not agreeing with me.  Faith is very personal  and I have been through alot getting to where I am with my relationship with God and I have so much farther to go.  I do my best to follow the teachings of Jesus and He truly loved everyone, He also called us to be more like Him.  All I want to say to those wanting to boycott Chick-fil-a is why do you want everyone to agree with you and to accept everyone yet you don't want to accept me, my family, and my friends for who we are.  It is a double standard.  It hurts that I do my best not to pass judgement on others, to live my faith and show love to EVERYONE regardless if I agree with the way they live but I am not accepted because of my faith.  It is sad.  We want everyone to be tolerant, but you can't pick who you want to be tolerant of.  What I mean is true tolerence will only come when we are all accepted.  I stand by my faith and it's teachings, I will never judge someone who doesn't.  Of course in my life I would love to have everyone have a true relationship with Jesus Christ but faith is personal.  Trust me it's hard to stand out there when the world doesn't see it your way. 

For those of my friends who don't like religion or feel I am being close minded or what ever, please hold off judgement until you know me.  Don't judge all Christians by a few.  Just like you ask me to accept everyone please include me in that as well.  I have no hatred in my heart, just different standards and beliefs.  Remember that everyone who says they are a Christian might not have a true relationship with Jesus, I know, I have been one.  And to all my Christian friends remember who you are representing when you speak, act and do anything.  Sorry to be so deep on this one.  I just needed to vent I guess.

A GLIPSE OF WHAT COULD BE

Well our family vacation is over and we are back home.  I had a lot of time to reflect while we drove our 13 hour trip home.  We had a blast.  I will post pictures soon,  that is as soon as I can locate my cord to the camera.  If I had to say what I liked the most it would be hard to say.  Of course I loved the city, and I don't have enough time to explain how much I loved Central Park, but I think what I enjoyed the most is the area we stayed.  We didn't stay in Manhattan, we stayed in Woodside which was somewhat residential.  I loved the small family shops, deli and coffee shops.  Just a few stops over was Sunnyside where we made daily stops for Sweet tea from McDonald's and walked the nearby shops.  I loved the markets where we bought fresh fruit and could buy all kinds of fresh food and breads.  It was wonderful.  Our daily diet consisted of pizza and my personal favorite chicken and rice from a cart located under the subway  stop. 

I enjoyed not driving, but wow we sure did walk alot.  I think at one point we walked a mile from the Central park zoo to the Museum.  Of course we took time to stop and sit on the giant rocks in the park.  Matthew really enjoyed it.  He and Patrick played some football while Cheredith and I laid in the grass.  We had so much fun.  Central Park Zoo was amazing.  I loved how all the animals there where so interactive with the people.  It amazed me.  The only disappointment there was that it was to hot for the polar bear.  I really wanted to see it. 

I loved walking the city.  It was amazing to see so many sights.  The Chelsea market was wonderful and I could have spend all day there.  It was filled with so many different things from food, clothes, and art.  Also Union Square was amazing.  Fresh fruits, veggies and cheese.  Also it was located by a Whole Food Market, which I loved and would shop there ALL  the time if I lived there.  Great quality food and good prices.  We also took the Staten Island Ferry witch was a great way to see the Statue of Liberty and the skyline of NYC.  We spent some time in Brooklyn and it was beautiful.  I was humbled to walk by the new Freedom Tower and walk by the sights that where changed forever on September 11th.  I was so humbled.  The emotion there and at the Pentagon are still so raw and open.  Every night you could see the Freedom Tower glowing in the night skyline from our hotel room.  It was a beautiful reminder of how strong the City is and how strong of a country we are. 

I think of all the things that I experienced seeing my two kids who, seem to struggle some days with everyday life be, well, kids.  I'm not sure really how else to explain it.  Anyone that spends much time with us has seen the ridged schedule we keep.  No matter where we are Matthews need for order, structure and rules dictates our life's.  I see it more on some days then others but his autism stands out alot.  I saw not Matthew my son with High Functioning Autism, but I saw Matthew my carefree son.  It still brings tears to my eyes to have been blessed with a few days with such a carefree spirit.  Full of adventure and jokes.  Even his language was different.  I miss that side of him.  I am afraid that side of my son stayed in the city.  I thank God for giving me a chance to visit with him.  Who knows maybe we can get him back here.  He played ninja while waiting on the subway, we was independent and carefree.  A leader and taking in all the knowledge that the city could give. 

Most conversations that Cheredith and I had consisted of how she wants to move there and attend NYU.  I know that she loves to dance, cheer and have fun with friends but I have never seen her light up like she does when she talks about her future.  She has already contacted Autism Speaks in NYC to see what kind of education she needs to go into the field to help those who have Autism.  She loved what she saw of NYU's campus and I can't blame her.  It was great to see her smile so much.

Of course Patrick was happy, he was home.  He fit in with all the locals, even having tourist asking him where to go and what subway to take.  After countless stores and who knows how many miles walking we finally found his favorite drink, Dr. Browns black cherry soda on our last night there.  I loved seeing him so at peace.  Overall this was a great trip that has blessed me and my family with so much.  I came back with glimpses of who they are and I much better understanding of God and his love.  I was constantly thinking of how he has brought my family through so much and even when you don't know you need it He gives just what you needed the most, HOPE.

FAMILY ADVENTURES

Schools out, and vacation is upon us.  Any one who knows our family knows that adventures follow us.  I always joke that we haven't been arrested or thrown out of a place yet.  Well 3 days and 9 states later we are still holding on.  We left out Tuesday for our trip to the Big Apple.  We stopped in Virginia to spent the night. Our room was nice and the kids enjoyed the pool.  It was early to bed that night.  We woke up real early, ate breakfast and hit the road.  First stop was Washington D.C.   We stopped to visit the September 11th memorial at the Pentagon.  I was truly humbled by what I saw.  It is so beautiful and the design is so amazing.  So much went in to it,  I recommend it to any one visiting the DC area. The plan was to see all the wonder sights around the area but our GPS had other plans.  After circling all the sites several times we decided as a family to hit the road and head to Baltimore, MD.  It was beautiful and HOT.  The kids enjoyed cupcakes at Charm City cupcakes and they where wonderful.  After buying popcorn for the road we headed to our stop for the night, Philly.

In Philly we walked everywhere and it seemed like everything there closed really early.  We did however get to see the actual Liberty Bell.  This was yet another humbling experience.  So many people where there, many from other countries and didn't speak English.  With so many differences we had all come together for the same common purpose.  To see a part of American history that showed a symbol of our freedom.  By then we were so hungry.  We happened to stumble upon a literal hole in the wall.  It was so good though.  With full stomachs we headed in for the night.  After more swim time it was bed time. 

Today we headed in to NYC.  The kids are having a blast and love it here.  Cheredith is ready to move and now wants to study medicine at NYU.  I'll post pics soon and update more on our NYC adventures.

Scream!!!!

We have all had days were it seems like a good, loud, and long scream would make you feel better.i think I've had one of those years. It seems to be one thing after another almost daily. There are constant reminders of just how out of control of my life I really am. It's not just one part of it either. I've been hit every where and with everything. There are days, no weeks where moving to NYC sounds amazing. Anyone who knows my husband knows how much he loves the city and jokingly says he wants to live there. It's times when I think moving away is the answer is when I do my best thinking. Being driven to the point of running away is humbling. I tend to pray more then and always find comfort in my faith in my God. In the past few years I realize how vulnerable our life's are. Not just from a life or death point either. I mean we r all just a few paychecks, doctors appointments, test results and words away from a life that we don't know can exists for us. My life has been turned upside down so much I'm not sure what direction I'm going in. Please don't get me wrong, there is a point to my rant. In all my trials I've come to realize how EVERYTHING in this world will pass away. Relationships, money, cars,well, anything can be gone before you know they it had a chance to go away. Truth is I can't change most of the things that are going on in my life. But I have come to realize that even if all is taken away from me and I am all alone, God is still with me. He promises to never leave me. My burden may be big and I know I don't have all the answers but I do have faith. I thank God that He has seen be through so many things in my life. I know He is still here for me. I can hear Him when I finally get quite long enough to listen instead of demanding answers. The 23rd psalms comes to mind when I think about this. God doesn't promise to lead us around the valleys but guide us through them. We just need to learn how to follow Him.

Seriously?!?!

Matthew often walks around and when something frustrates him or cacthes him off gruad he always responds "seriously?!?!".. I love when he does that.  It usually means he is having a good day and nothing is really phasing him.  He is just like so many other 6 year old boys.  He loves sports, video games and anything outside.  But at the same time Matthew isn't like all the other boys, he is autistic. 

I remember when he was first diagnosed about a year ago.  I heard it all," there's no way he is autistic", " your making to big off a deal of this" and "are you sure".  I shed many tears then and there are still days when I cry.  I guess you could say we are lucky, Matthew is considered to be high functioning.  Its not a medical term, I think they just use it help explain that his problems with Autism are better hidden then others.  He is so smart. He is so loving.  He laughs.  He smiles and he even has friends.  As a mom I thank God for those friends.  But Matthew doesn't look me in the eye, he has given me a kiss only twice in the last year or more.  True hugs are few and rare, I cherish every embrace.  It's a painful feeling when your son pulls away from hugs and affection.  He doesn't go out when it storms and he needs to be home by a certain time. He has left college basketball games because it was past 8.  Some days he picks spots on him until he bleeds. Those are just a few of the ways autism affects him.  He changes daily, some days are good and some are bad.  When something triggers him to have a melt down not much can stop them. 

I share all this because I see Matthew and think what an amazing child.  Such an amazing memory, he loves life and is so smart and happy.  But I also see how the world views those with disabilities.  I remember when both my kids were toddlers thinking how lucky I was that my child didn't have autism.  I didn't have a child with special needs.  I dodged the bullet.  I was so wrong.  The signs were all there.  I just didn't know. I see the looks kids with autism get.  I've seen it from kids and adults alike.  Just remember that when you see a kid or adult rocking from side to side, or they refuse to look you in the eye.  They aren't stupid or spoiled.  They are just trying to make it in a world that doesn't fit them well.  The CDC announced today that 1 out of 88 children are on the autism' spectrum.  Boys have a 1 and 54 chance of being diagnosed.  I challenge all who read this to research autism and educate yourself.  Chances are at some point your life will be affected by autism.They just want to be loved just like us.  They need to know that different is OK.

Birthday Wishes

As my birthday appoarches I am reminded of how when you are young you blow out the candles on your cake and make a wish.  Looking back its fun to recall how those wishes change.  Some birthdays bring mixed emotions, like the first one after my grandpa died.  I cried and looked like a spoil brat.  I made by mom take me to Hills (does anyone else remember that place) and buy me a stuffed turtle.  This was the first celebration that I hadn't gotten exactly what I ask for.  My grandpa would go and pick out the exact present I wanted down to the eye color.  In my defense on that day all I got was underwear and money.  Kinda boring for a 9 year old.  Truth was I missed my grandpa and the man who would search the world just to bring a smile to my face. Then there was the time I made everyone go home early from my party.  Not sure why I did that.  Can you imagine what my mom thought when someone told her that I was going to all the quest and telling them "it's 2 oclock time to go home"  (and I wounder where Matthew gets his obsession with time) they had just gotten there.  Sorry mom.  Not really sure how to justify that one.

Of course who doesn't remember turning 16 and getting there driving license.  What a day.  Of course dad let me stay out of school and took me to the exam.  I passed and dad let me drive my little red mustang to school. Of course he followed me to the school then as I turned into Ridgelands parking lot dad let go and kept driving.  He had spent years preparing me and it was time to let me go.  What a wonderful day, so glad to have that memory. 

As we grow our wishes change, they go from baby dolls to cars and so much more.  I  like to think about what I would wish for this Birthday.  I've thought alot about this lately.  Funny , not one thing can be bought.  I just want to be a better wife and mother.  I want to know how to help Matthew life in a world that he doesn't always fit into.  To be able to teach Cheredith how to be a wonderful young woman,  and I want to be everything Patrick needs. 

I lived a wonderful long life.  Trust me I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.  I have been blessed with amazing friends and family.  Priceless moments and countless memories.  I come a long way from the child who cried for a stuffed turtle to a woman who cries out to God for strength, knowledge and forgiveness.  Birthday wishes change just like we do.  I am blessed from God.  I know that I can face anything with God,

BISCUITS AND GRAVY AND AMAZING RACE

Its Sunday night and the Amazing Race starts again tonight.  So what I doing?  Cooking biscuits and gravy.  Why because Matthew believes that we have to have that while we watch our favorite show.  That's just how it goes. This has been a busy week, I've looked back on memories of my dad has we marked 3 years since he's been gone.  Went to a doctors appointment with Matthew that has been 9 months in the making, just for them to run more tests, celebrated a holiday, spent a Saturday night with great new friends, and today said goodbye to my amazing uncle Red.  So much has went on this week my mind as been on hyper drive.  I have learned to lean on God and be thankful for all I have.  I am so blessed no matter how crazy or sad life can get.  On Valentine's day I thanked God for my amazing husband, Patrick, he has seen me in my darkest hours but still loves me.  He has held me as I cried and stressed out over so many of Matthews doctors appointments or test results.  He knows just what I need.  I've cried and I've laughed all this week.  Watched in amazement at the beautiful young lady Cheredith is becoming.  I've smiled with pride as Matthew played 2 basketball games and scored more points than I can remember. (lets just say I'm glad we don't pay him for baskets made.) I looked at him and at times see a typical little boy and then  within seconds see what challanges he will face becuase of his autism.  This is defenitly a crazy life.  I stay busy and usualy do some crazy things along the way but I wouldn't trade it, So as I write this and Amazing Race just ended and Biscuit and gravy is everywhere I can truely say I am blessed and happy. I can't wait to see what all God has in store for me.  I am inspired to be who God truely wants me to be.

I Love You This Much

Growing up my dad would look at me and ask how much did I love him and I would reply "I love you this much", and stretch my tiny arms out as far as they could go.  His smile would go from ear to ear.  It was just one of those things dads and daughters do.  As I grew our relationship changed.  Like all growing kids we didn't see eye to eye but he did the best he could do.  He took me to church, talked to me honestly and told me everything was going to be OK even if he didn't know if it would.  He lead me to Christ when I was 12 and did everything he could to answer all my questions about God and show me how much Christ loved me.  At 15 when my life was a mess I watched him turn me over to God because for once dad couldn't fix it for me, but he knew God could.  Now I set here with my son who if anyone knows me has had a difficult past year and I can't fix all his problems.  He is high functioning autistic and has many other health issues that are unclear.  We go tomorrow for an appointment we have been waiting 9 months on. I am reminded of my dad who turned me over to God and I am a better person for that.  I can't fix all Matthews problems and I'm not sure what all God has in store for him, but as a parent it is my job to know when no matter how hard I fight to help him or Cheredith ultimately God fights even harder.  When we ask Christ how much does He loves us.  He answers "I love you this much" and stretches His nailed scared hand out has far as they will go. I'm so glad that my dad taught me that growing up.  I didn't  have my dad as long as I would have liked but he loved me more than I could ever know.  Dad has been dead 3 years today.  I miss him daily, but am thankful for the knowledge that he left me.